|It's a Juliana kind-of day
||[Apr. 20th, 2009|12:43 am]
So I always say how I never write on here and it is true! Consistency of journaling has never been my strong point, I can barely spell and have terrible handwriting. Therefore I find it easier to type... with the lovely invention of my friend the Google Toolbar. Good Stuff.|
Oh Happy 4/20
So I am here listening to an old Juliana Hatfeild EP... the sure sign I am kind of down. I've been so busy lately I haven't had time to process my life and what is going on. Not that I have a ton of drama or anything but I just have been go go go lately and I feel like it is catching up with me. Sometimes I think I make my self busy so I won't have to feel any emotions or insecurities that I constantly to fight to keep at bay.
So I come home from a endless weekend of work and shows prepared to go shopping with Sarah for a Zombie Pub Crawl next weekend for a improv group I'm in called pH Productions. Feeling relived that I have a day off I eagerly arrive home to unfortunately find Sarah lounging on the couch with the alcoholic partner in crime, and my Not-Boyfriend, Rich.
Quick Back Story on Rich (The Not Boyfriend): We meet about 2 years ago. Slept together the first day we meet. Hooked up occasionally, I eventually wanted more of a relationship and he didn't. We became somewhat co-dependent and hostile towards one another when intoxicated. I decided to cut him out of my life and that's when he befriended Sarah (My roommate) and ever since then he has been my not-boyfriend.
Not Boyfriend: (-boi-frend)
|1. ||a frequent or favorite male companion; beau, who is overtly possessive and affectionate when wasted. |
|2. ||a male friend who fills the boyfriend role without the commitment |
|3. ||a male lover, when he has had a few and is lonely|
It wouldn't have been so bad if JUST Rich and Sarah had been hanging out (I've grown accustomed to that since the summer.) A boy that Rich is dating of over too, just chilling in my living room. Now, to be fair. I am only assuming that this is a boy that Rich has been dating because he never tells me anything about his dating life.
It was only last Thursday I was spending the night at his house sleeping in his bed with him and then a week later I call (Which I NEVER do) and he can't hang out he is going out on a date. Friday night I picked Rich up from a party because he was to wasted to take care of himself. He of course told me how much he loved me and was kissing on me etc. The interesting information came while I drove him home. He was telling me how he had been seeing this guy and they got physical the night before. (The night I called...) Already more information than I really want to know, Rich proceeds to tell me how the sex was awful. The worst sex ever. (What can I was I'm hard to compete with.)
It is neither here nor there who is better in bed. (or who is hotter, me) It's the fact that I'm expected to play nice with whoever Rich decides on replacing me with. I realize that it shouldn't be the other woman I should be hating on it should be Rich. The questions is how do I cut off someone so toxic to me who has totally intertwined himself in my social circle? He is everywhere I go and friends with everyone I am friends with. which all leads back to where I started. I think I make my self busy so I won't have to feel any emotions or insecurities mainly dealing with Rich.
Why is it that I always fall in the same pattern with men? I create a strange co-dependent relationship where I end up being the one that if left alone and they are the ones that string me along until they are sure they have found something better. It's at this point where the insecurities start to creep back in from deep down in my mind.
"You're ugly, fat, fat, fat, ugly" They taunt me while I look at myself in the mirror.
Logically I know that I am the same as I was yesterday when I thought I looked hot after a good 2 hour gym session, but my eyes don't see that person. They see the person that only has not-boyfriends or straight boyfriends or lame boyfriends.