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(no subject) [Sep. 25th, 2005|03:23 am]

Today is Alison and Beth’s birthdays! (The formers 21st and the latter’s 24th) Needless to say we went to LB’s to celebrate (Which means everyone gets wasted while I watch and listen to people problems empathetically). Things weren’t bad at the bar but since coming home doors have been slamming, drunk people have been eating and yelling “I love French Fries” repeatedly, and Meghan’s lame mix of Kanye West/Ace of Base/Lonestar/ and Kelly Clarkson have been playing. (I have dance company rehearsal at 11 tomorrow morning, so I’m a little bit annoyed and killing time)


I went to my first rugby game today. It was interesting and kind of scary. Boys practically killing one another with a ball rolling around the field. We lost of course, being Frostburg, but I was proud to see the FSU Athletes/Coaches/ and Referees with cold beers in their hands. (Ahh Frostburg the city of unknowing alcoholics).


In other news I met a guy Friday night who kind of got my attention. He was tall and kind of sexy. His name of course was Matt. He gave me his number and I decided to call and invite him to LB’s tonight. He didn’t answer so I left a message and told him to call me back. No phone call and I don’t know how I feel about it. I know I shouldn’t stress over some guy I don’t even really know. It just sucks making that move and getting expectations and having it shot down.

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(no subject) [Sep. 22nd, 2005|01:23 am]

I decided to call Mark Williams (Yeah I know Right?)


So last night I was having a conversation with my good West Virginian friend, Sarah, and told her about the whole Drew giving me Marks number. So she tells me that if I don’t call him within the week then there is no point because Drew gave me the perfect opportunity to call him, any later would just be random. So I decided to call him in the morning.


After a restless nights sleep (From being nervous) I woke up and called Mark’s Cell. He didn’t answer (Thankfully) So I left a message for him to call me back.


I went to Ballet and as I’m walking to my car to change my shoes so I could go to the gym I check my phone and see that Mark had called. He left a typical message, you know awkward but endearing. So I called him back.


He picks up the phone and I hardly recognized his voice. It was incredibly refreshing and made me feel good to talk to him. We caught up on what each other had been doing. I told him about my surgeries and my plans to do theater in Chicago. Come to find out Mark stopped doing theater when he moved to Florida and did Disney (Which he still works at). He goes to some college in Florida and didn’t get into the program at that school. So he is studying Hospitality and Hotel Management. (Which is good for him I think.) He has a girlfriend (Obviously, I didn’t pry into that subject) and he’s really happy.


I had so much more that I wanted to ask and talk about but it just didn’t seem right. Bring up the past and finding out what exactly happened between us didn’t seem so important. Just touching base was fulfilling enough for me. It was like ending a chapter of my life that I need to put behind me.


He said he’d call if he was ever in Maryland, but we both know that it won’t happen. We momentarily reconnected to unofficially say goodbye, and it was good.

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(no subject) [Sep. 19th, 2005|01:35 am]

Something is wrong with me, seriously. I don’t know what is up but lately I’m not only uninspired in theater (I was cast in Annie Get Your Gun as and Ensemble member playing an Indian Running Deer and a Messenger and haven’t worked on anything) but in life in general. My health (Wisdom Teeth) have been holding me back and my INR has not stabilized.


It’s like I’m not the same person anymore and I’m trying to find out who the “New” me is. It’s not so much the not drinking or drugging that is the hard part; It’s the lack of haze that’s forcing me to focus on what I’m doing now to get me to my goals instead of dreaming up what I want to happen.


 Chicago is becoming a reality. I’m looking at apartments and reading up on the city. (I’ve just skimmed the surface and am kind of scared to dive in.) My parents are so super helpful and understanding. Friends that I know are moving or living in Chicago. It’s just so soon and so real. I can’t believe it’s that time already… but I’m ready?


Am I making sense???


Anyway adding to my confusion and unstable mental state, I ran into an old “Friend” (Drew, my gay twin who stole Mark Williams away from me freshman year.) at Derricks 25 Birthday Party at Bay Café in Baltimore. Conversation went as follows:


Me: Hey Drew! What are you doing here? You grew out your hair!


Drew: Hi Patrick! What am I doing? Working at Banana Republic, we have so many of those in the store right now (Gesturing to my blue sweater vest I had on at the time).


Me: Oh this? I got it at Urban Outfitters.


Drew: Bitch! So have you talked to Mark?


Me: Uh, no. What’s he doing?


Drew: You know doing the Disney thing. You should call him! Do you have his number?


Me: Are you serious? I haven’t talked to him in years. I mean it’s not like he’s calling me, my number hasn’t changed since high school.


Drew: He let me give you his number. You two need to patch things up. He would love you hear from you.


So I end up getting Marks number and it is sitting in my phone daring me to call. Part of me wants to, but If I hadn’t seen Drew Mark Williams wouldn’t even be on my mind right now. I’ve gone through 2 heart surgeries, a drug phase, countless sexual encounters, and really grown as an artist. I’m not the same guy that he left Freshman year and I don’t know the benefit of dusting off that relationship for another try.

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(no subject) [Aug. 23rd, 2005|12:19 am]

Can Nothing in my life be easy???


I just re-installed my lovely Apple iPod Mini (Susanna if you will recall) because something was wrong with the battery or something. I just got everything fixed and now its being a butt head AGAIN!


Hating life...again

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SCHOOL! (Last Time I'm Going Back to Frostburg) [Aug. 22nd, 2005|12:07 am]

Am I ready?


I just finished eating ice cream and watching “The Comeback” (Which I think I might be giving up on… mildly funny in a laugh on the inside way.) So I might just be on a slight sugar high (Because I’m still getting used to eating real food, since the whole wisdom tooth thing) Anyway I’m sitting here thinking and I figure it might be better to write things down so I can look back and see how silly I’m being later. (Or realize just how insightful I am!)


So Frostburg had been on my mind lately. (And Rightly So) Meghan/Jessica/ and Molly all went up on Saturday. (They are some of my new roommates, Living with 7 girls again). This time it’s a little different however because I don’t have my best friends Lauren and Sarah. Those girls get ME they know when to give me space and they know how to make me laugh. I miss them already and am not sure if I want to know what Frostburg is like without them.


“There’s going to be drama with Pat and somebody Beth, Molly, hell it even could be me!” Meghan told Lauren on a recent “Ride”.


This is very true! I am most likely will have DRAMA with someone in the house. Seriously if you look at there lifestyles and mine they are two totally different worlds. The drinking/ Smoking/ Partying are all GREAT believe me I certainly know. (Hello Sophomore year my nick name was “Drugs” the mini version of “Drugs, Drugs, Drugs” who obviously failed out…) BUT Compared to me now, heart replaced twice and everything I’m kind of done with all that and am trying to get on and make something of myself. It’s like oil and water man. Just asking for problems.


What am I to do?


  • Speak my mind, When someone is out of line I’ve got to let them know straight up (Thanks Paula!) and not let things build up cause these new roommates aren’t Lauren (Friends since 8th grade who understand a verbal lashing is inevitable everyone now and then) or Sarah (Who knows when to NOT talk to me due to quick observation).


  • Keep Busy! (This is why Theater is a VERY important thing this semester because it takes up SOOO much time.) I’m kind of worried because a musical is first and I can’t even sing in the shower let alone dance! (I have been walking and doing weights…7 pound weights…and of course yoga to keep me limber.) Even so I still feel no where near ready to audition and hope a week can help me to feel more confident. I’m also thinking about joining a group or something, GLBTA? But that makes me nervous cause the last time I did GLBTA I ended up sleeping with all the members and getting myself unofficially banned… but those people are long gone. (Since I’m a 2nd year senior and all.)


  • Drop Out of school and move to Chicago. (Just to add to my list.)


  • Make new friends who are sober and probably losers (Yeah that sounds fun! Seriously what do you do at college if you’re not drinking or chiefin???)


  • Hang out at Kristen’s (Which would be alright if she wasn’t dating “The Man” and thus not a “smoke free” house and PLUS this was my sanity place last semester when I didn’t mind smoke so much… hell helped me get through the stress of Earnest!)  


While these are all great ideas I can’t really do anything till I get there I just have to go into it with a positive attitude and hope for the best. I like the people I’m living with I’ve just never lived with them and don’t have that built in support group. It all boils down to the fact that it’s not 126 and I’m scared because I don’t know what to expect. (I didn’t even feel this way freshman year.)



I’ll be just fine and dandy… like a Hard Candy Christmas

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I Hate Summer 05 [Aug. 13th, 2005|01:28 pm]


I just wanted to let everyone know that I am back from the Hospital (And MAN MY arms are sore!) It was a 6 day 5 night event that was not only scary but physically and mentally draining.


For those of you who follow medicine and are interested.  My blood levels are currently acceptable but will take 6 months to replenish itself and for me to be back to high performance (Mmm… What this means for the Musical and my Dance Team aspirations, I don’t know.) My mouth is repaired and has “Bone Wax” in because my bleeding was really far down. (This was Tuesday my most out of it day so I don’t really know what exactly was wrong.) I’m going back on Tuesday to have my stitches removed! (FUN!) I am also monitoring my INR levels (The thinness and thickness of my blood I should be between 2.5 and 3.5… when admitted to the hospital I was 5.5) Right now I’m doing shots of Lovanox and am getting my levels tested on Monday.


I’m glad to be home and everything should be fine now. I’m taking it easy and resting. So I’m not allowed to smile or laugh so I have to avoid Lauren (Really can’t have any facial expressions until Monday or Tuesday.) I’m NOT talking so don’t be offended if I don’t answer the phone when you call or call you back. Text Messaging and E-mailing are the best way to talk to me at the moment. I am looking forward to the end of a summer from hell!

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(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2005|11:54 pm]
[mood |worriedworried]

And Ashlee Simpson's CD is coming out on October 18 with her new single "L.O.V.E." to drop at the end of the month!


Man am i a loser... my bleeding seems to have stoped but i'm still scared.



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(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2005|11:07 pm]
[mood |anxiousanxious]

I Just Remebered that it's my 2 month anniversary of my Heart Surgery!


Thats something good I guess, to lift my mood some. If it wasn't for this whole wisdom tooth thing I would be GREAT! (Keep your fingers crossed., or if your religious you "say a little prayer for me" La La La...)


Also Jessica Simpson's New Abulm come out in November! (It's about freakin time! And I know I'll be better by then so I can sing loud in the car and the shower!)


Shit i'm bleeding a bit... (That can't be good)


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(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2005|11:56 am]
[mood |draineddrained]

So I've been watching the Food Network, as a kind of self lothing mode that i've fallen into. (Because I can't eat soilds still after over a week of HELL!)


I addition to watching "30 Minute Meals" and "Everyday Italian" i've been sitting in my family room silent and sullenly sulking.


I hope to get better soon. 

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(no subject) [Aug. 4th, 2005|12:29 pm]



I got my left side re-stiched...


I hate my life

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